Life Has Changed

Since March 2, when John lost the pulse in his right foot, life has taken a turn down a road that I never wanted to travel.  Three radiology procedures, the amputation of John's right leg below the knee and the removal of a blood clot in his left foot have changed our lives forever.

I am in awe of my husband and the way he has handled this terrible ordeal.  He has always been the patient one, having enough for the both of us.  This journey, though, has tested that patience in ways that we could never have imagined.  He was in the hospital 78 of the last 94 days.  He has been through surgery, rehab and a battle with congestive heart failure. He can't walk; he can't drive; without assistance, he can't do any of the normal, routine things we all take for granted.  Yet, he rarely complains and he worries more about me than he does himself. 

I am in love with my husband -- more so today than 36 years ago when we promised to love each other "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."  He has been one of my life's greatest blessings.  I have no idea what I did to deserve his love, but I am forever grateful that he chose me to spend the rest of his life with.  More than anything, I wish I could erase the pain and frustration he has had to endure.  I wish I could give him back his right leg; I wish I could give him back the 90% of his heart function that is gone; I wish I could give him the assurance that everything is going to be ok; I wish I could give him frequent visits from our children and grandchildren; I wish I could give him the kind of life that we both dreamed we would have at this stage of our lives.  I can't give him these things; but I can promise him that, for always and forever, I will be by his side, as we face together whatever God has in store for our future.

The mirror is no friend of mine.  When I look into it, I see an old person with wrinkles, greying hair, dark circles and tear-stained skin.  I hope that's not what John sees.  I want him to still see me as the young woman he married so long ago.  I want him to see a smile on my face, light in my eyes, energy in my step.  I want him to think I have enough strength to carry the both of us on this journey.  I don't want him to doubt that I have the strength, patience and courage to face whatever the future holds.