The End and the Beginning

2013 just arrived a few minutes ago and I sit here wondering what the new year has in store for me.  John has been gone for 42 days and I have made it through my first Thanksgiving, first Christmas and first New Year without him.  None of those events seemed real -- they seemed almost like I was watching a movie or TV show.  Thanksgiving and Christmas were John's favorite holidays and I fear that I will never truly enjoy them ever again.  Having Mary, Kim, Jacob, Nathan, Faith and Ruth here made it easier for me to get through the holidays but I still went to my room alone, slept alone, woke up alone.  Missing him has become my norm -- the grief still comes in waves (usually just one big wave that sucks me under and makes it hard to breathe). 

I want so much to feel happy instead of trying to pretend that I am.  I want so much to take the pain of losing their dad away from the kids.  I want so much to assure them that the memories will never fade -- that they will always remember the sound of his voice, the sound of his laugh, the way he smiled, the way he made everything ok.  I just can't figure out how to do that.

My greatest fear came true in 2012 -- losing someone who I loved so much.  I'm not taking anything for granted for 2013.  As this new year arrives, so does a new beginning; and I pray that God will bless my family with abundant love for each other -- that everyone will stay healthy -- that their deepest dreams will come true -- that we will grow closer to one another -- and that we will live our lives in a way that is honoring to the Lord and that honors the memory of the man that truly was the center of our family.

I love you, John Taylor -- forever and ever.