Life Has Changed

Since March 2, when John lost the pulse in his right foot, life has taken a turn down a road that I never wanted to travel.  Three radiology procedures, the amputation of John's right leg below the knee and the removal of a blood clot in his left foot have changed our lives forever.

I am in awe of my husband and the way he has handled this terrible ordeal.  He has always been the patient one, having enough for the both of us.  This journey, though, has tested that patience in ways that we could never have imagined.  He was in the hospital 78 of the last 94 days.  He has been through surgery, rehab and a battle with congestive heart failure. He can't walk; he can't drive; without assistance, he can't do any of the normal, routine things we all take for granted.  Yet, he rarely complains and he worries more about me than he does himself. 

I am in love with my husband -- more so today than 36 years ago when we promised to love each other "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."  He has been one of my life's greatest blessings.  I have no idea what I did to deserve his love, but I am forever grateful that he chose me to spend the rest of his life with.  More than anything, I wish I could erase the pain and frustration he has had to endure.  I wish I could give him back his right leg; I wish I could give him back the 90% of his heart function that is gone; I wish I could give him the assurance that everything is going to be ok; I wish I could give him frequent visits from our children and grandchildren; I wish I could give him the kind of life that we both dreamed we would have at this stage of our lives.  I can't give him these things; but I can promise him that, for always and forever, I will be by his side, as we face together whatever God has in store for our future.

The mirror is no friend of mine.  When I look into it, I see an old person with wrinkles, greying hair, dark circles and tear-stained skin.  I hope that's not what John sees.  I want him to still see me as the young woman he married so long ago.  I want him to see a smile on my face, light in my eyes, energy in my step.  I want him to think I have enough strength to carry the both of us on this journey.  I don't want him to doubt that I have the strength, patience and courage to face whatever the future holds. 

5 DAYS LOST ... AND STILL COUNTING

Imagine you are on the BIGGEST and FASTEST carnival ride ever .... one that is a combination of a ferris wheel, a carousel and a rollercoaster. Now imagine that it the ride has gone beserk and that it cannot be turned off. That, my friends, has been my life since I woke up on Thursday morning with vertigo. Today (Tuesday) is the first day that I can actually sit in an upright position and do something other than moan or throw-up. The dizziness is still there, although it does seem to be subsiding. I can turn to the right without getting dizzy. I guess the other directions will follow (hopefully, soon).

It is amazing that someone can lose 5+ days of her life and have nothing to show for it. I didn't just lose time from work; I lost time spent with God; time spent with my husband; time spent talking to my children; time spent with friends. I couldn't eat, couldn't clean, couldn't read, couldn't watch TV, couldn't drive, couldn't focus on anything other than trying to stop the spinning. I've realized how much of my life I take for granted ~~ from the little things like going to the bathroom by myself, taking a shower, getting dressed, finding the kitchen to get something to drink or eat. I've taken my relationships with others for granted, as well. I am truly blessed to have had my husband beside me this entire time. Without him, I'd still be in the same sweat-drenched nightgown I woke up in last Thursday. I probably would be unemployed because the orders were never done. I wouldn't have the medication the doctor prescribed because I wouldn't have been able to find the phone to call the doctor in the first place. He truly has been my life-saver during all of this.

I cannot explain how this happened or why. I know the technical medical reason that vertigo occurs. The inner ear contains fluid and small particles that float around in it. When those particles get "stuck," your brain cannot tell whether you are right side up or upside down and sends you into a spin. But what causes those particles to get stuck in the first place? When I went to bed on Wednesday night, I was fine. When I woke up 8 hours later, I was not. My doctor seems to think this may have been caused by an inner ear infection but that's not a certain diagnosis. It has to run its course and try to help the symptoms with medication. However, one of the side effects of the medication is that it causes extreme drowsiness .... so I have slept away the better part of a week.

I have been up since 7:30 am and it is now noon .... time for another nap. Hopefully, this nap will be a short one. Sleeping 20 hours a day may sound like a great thing to some of you reading this; but, believe me, it's not!

Lessons from Grand-Mommyhood

Even though I've only been a grandmother for 7 months, there are many things I've learned. Here are a few ...

Being a grandmother is my third favorite title ... right behind wife and mom!

There have been so many new baby inventions to make it easier for today's moms. I wonder why someone cannot come up with a diaper that eliminates the smell of poop!!

When God made the male species, he gave them a gene that makes them think their farts are funny. This weekend, I watched a dear friend's 1-yr old son. He walked over and sat in his little chair, lifted his right leg in the air and farted, then looked up at me with a great big grin on his face.

Not being able to see my grandchild makes my heart hurt.

It used to be that we'd take a trip to visit our daughter and son-in-law. Now, we take a trip to see our grandson (and if his parents are around, that's a double blessing).

Our children may not have been perfect, by our grandchild is!!

Love really does multiply with each generation.

There is still no better feeling in the world then to love and cuddle a child in your arms.

Motherhood has taught me more lessons than anything else in my life. Sometimes, I've learned the lesson quickly; other times, I have had to have the lesson repeated before I finally got "it." Here are a few things I have learned along the way ...

* Knowing how much I love my children, I am amazed to think that God loves them (and me) even more.
* My mom was right -- patience is not a gift that God automatically gives you. It is a virtue that He teaches us to acquire.
* When your mommy intuition tells you that something is just not right, pay attention!
* If you neglect to wash behind your ears (and other hidden places), something will grow there.
* Nothing I read in any of the baby books prepared me for the moment my child moved away from home.
* A mother's love really does multiply with the birth of each of her children.
* Convincing your child that his loose tooth really does have to come out may qualify you to become a hostage negotiator.
* One of the best gifts you can give to yourself as a parent and to your child is to make sure that you surround yourself with friends who share the same Christian beliefs that you do.
* When your husband is sick, he may not be able to differentiate between an oral and rectal thermometer. Try not to laugh out loud should this happen :-)

There is so much more I've learned in the 30 years I have been a mother. They will have to wait for another time.

Looking Back on 2008

The highlight of the year ... welcoming our first grandchild into the world. Nathanael Israel Wuenschel joined our family on July 9th and our lives will never be the same!!

WHERE OR WHERE ....

Ok, here's the question that is consuming most of my time lately. To where does God want us to move? This is what we know for sure -- unless my business picks up soon, we will have to sell our house and move some place where it will be cheaper to live. The dilemma, of course, is that we don't want to be so far away from our kids that we never get to see them. The "kids", however, have not made the decision easy. With David and Mary in Arizona and Kim, Jacob and Nathanael in South Carolina, how do we find a place that is close to all of them? And there is the added issue of where God will lead Jacob and Kim to a new job and possible new place to live. There was NOTHING about any of this in the parenting books I read while raising our family :-(



Here is the other thing I know for sure. I am eating my way through this dilemma and that is not good .... not good at all. 2009 begins in a little more than 24 hours. I have a list of things that I want to accomplish in the new year and losing weight is close to the top. So, please pray with me that God will soon reveal to us the path He has planned and that He will give us the wisdom to see it.

The Days We Are Given

It has never been clearer to me more so than now that, like the song "We Live" says ... the days we are given are gifts from above." The past few weeks have been filled with sad news: Sedora's death, Paul's battle to live, good friends facing surgery, others facing major heartbreaks. Being so sick and feeling so poorly this last week, has helped me to realize that through it all, each day truly is a gift from God and that we are "to live and to love" and we are "to forgive and never give up." My prayer for today is that my family and friends know that they are God's most precious blessings in my life and that life is worth living because of Jesus and because of what each of them means to me.
I don't know what the future holds, or how many more days God will give me on this earth; but I do know that I "trust in the Lord with all of my heart." John and I face major decisions about our future -- selling our home, where to move, future employment, medical issues. I miss my kids so much and, more than anything, want to see them more frequently. I spend endless time reading and viewing Kim's blog so that I can watch Nathanael grow from being a little (I mean big) baby into a little boy; but watching and reading does not make a relationship. When David and Mary find the woman and man that God has set aside for them, I want to be there to get to know them. I look forward to the days when I can spend more time with the people that mean the most to me in the whole world. Until then, I'm going to "get out and do what I was meant to do" ... to live and to love.